This piece serves a triple purpose. This dedication is for advice for a friend who supported Smutathon, but also ties in nicely with this month’s Sexy Summer Book Club prompt of sex advice.
This is for Thomas, a friend of mine who supported our recent efforts at Smutathon. I texted him and asked him to donate to our cause and, if he did, I would write him a blog on a subject of his choosing.
Tom asked to write about having sex with someone new, after you’ve only ever had sex with one person. Its something he’s been considering of late. I wondered about trying to empathise with him about his situation, but it has been so long since I broke up with the person I lost my virginity to, it almost felt insincere. I tried to remember how I felt sleeping with people after that first relationship had ended. I remember being excited, turned on, curious about what this experience would bring me. I remember good feelings and a lot of good sex. I hope that this is/will be your experience when the time is right.
My advice to you is to enjoy the person lucky enough to find themselves in your bed. No, they aren’t going to do the same things that your ex did; they won’t look the same or feel the same. But maybe something wonderful will happen if you focus on what is in front of you, instead of what might be missing.
Of course it will be strange, maybe you will feel uncertain, or anxious. This is someone you haven’t been with for years, there isn’t that long-established bond. You don’t know exactly what they like and they have no idea what might turn you on. That doesn’t mean you can’t have fun – enjoy working it out, enjoy the not knowing and the feeling of discovering someone new.
The best advice I can give is to pay attention. When you’re touching them, does it feel good? Are they showing you it feels good? If you’re not sure, ask them. A voice in someone’s ear asking “does that feel good?” Can make them dissolve. At least it does for me. It means that they care about what is happening, they are invested in my enjoyment.
It works both ways; really let go and feel the way their hands or lips touching you. How are they showing you that they want you? Give them the attention of experiencing, enjoying, what they are doing for you. Let yourself feel good.
Want some more advice? I’ve been reading Enjoy Sex by Meg-John Barker and Justin Hancock and its really helped me to reconnect to what I want from sex. I lost my way recently, and the most important relationship to rebuild when you’ve experienced difficulty – any sort of difficulty – is the one with yourself.
Things set us back. We break up, our hearts or trust get broken. We can feel broken ourselves, not worthy of experiencing the kind of sex we enjoy. Maybe we’ve experienced something so wonderful in our past that we fret we’ll never find that again. Or maybe something has happened to shake our faith.
I implore you to leave it in the past. These things happened. They aren’t happening any more. What else is happening? What’s happening right now to you? Focus on that.
Good luck sweet friend, you deserve everything you want. I hope these words were the ones you wanted to read.