Twenty-Fifth Post: The Ultimate Sex Bucket List

Content warning: this is a completely fluffy blog because the sun was shining this weekend and I had a great time hanging out with a friend I don’t get to see very often. 

How nice was the weather this weekend?! First sunshine I’ve got to properly enjoy this year – it was so goooooood!!
On Sunday, after spending Saturday at BiFest, my friend and I lay in the park after brunch. I found an article by Good To Know entitled The Ultimate Sex Bucket List: 50 Things To Try Before You Die so we got paper and pens and I read each item on the list for us to score. What else do sex-positive girl friends do when the sun is shining and you find a listicle like that?

The list was a selection of sex acts for, I would guess, straight vanilla ladies – which we are certainly not. We’ve had some adventures and, of course, I’ve written about some of mine. We aren’t shy about sex. This wasn’t an article for us; we aren’t the right audience. This blog is not a critique of the list. It was actually quite comprehensive and I liked the gentle advice of ‘if this isn’t for you, don’t do it but if you think you might like it, try it, its fabulous,’ that accompanied some items. No beef here, its not my place to call anyone out. 

Because aren’t the right audience for this piece some items felt extremely pedestrian. Items like ‘kiss a girl’ was met with pure sass and items like ‘be a sex slave for a night’ was completely dismissed with “pffft! Just a night?” 

Submissives, am I right?

It was enjoyable to be dismissive of the list while we were scoring, considering ourselves sexually adventurous women. It was safe to be a little judgemental and it felt nice. I liked doing that activity with someone who has a similar life view to me. There’s nothing worse than say, playing Never Ever Have I Ever and getting absolutely hammered because you’re the only kinky, group-sex-loving, queer person at the party who’s done it in public (more than once) and everyone is treating you as this huge Other person because your life experiences and goals are so far removed from theirs. There’s pleasure to be found in saying “I’ve had a threesome with a couple I’ve met on the internet” and getting a “yeah, me too” in response. Find your people. 

I scored 37 out of 50 – pretty respectable. Some things like ‘have sex on a washing machine’ or ‘sex on the beach’ I have no interest in ticking off. That’s not a straight or gay thing – my washing machine is under my kitchen counter and I don’t want sand in my labia. Ever. End of. 

It was great way to chat about the things we’d done and we discussed our own tailor made bucket lists. I considered what would make it onto the lesbian bucket list – things like fisting, scissoring and strap-ons would be there for sure. Or the kinky bucket list – fun things like establishing a safe word, trying spanking or that really pretty rope bondage stuff (kinbaku). 
For my own bucket list I’m not certain if there’s anything specific I want to accomplish. I’m into exploring other people’s kinks so I rarely set the agenda for what I want to experience. One thing we did discuss was stuff we have already done which we would like to do more of – that was fun. 

I really enjoyed reading Good To Know’s list with my friend. Its the little moments when you recognise your world view in others that makes you feel less alone, especially when you’re a queer sex writer. 

Check out Good To Know’s Ultimate Sex Bucket List here. What would make it onto your list?

Twenty-Fourth Post: London BiFest

Yesterday I spent the afternoon in Kingston attending BiFest, the sister event of BiCon. My friend, someone who identifies as bisexual, wanted to go so I went with her as an ally and interested-writer-type-person. Also Eroticon has increased my enthusiasm for conventions so I was keen to experience more workshops and break-out sessions on sexuality. 

A quick note on my own bisexual credentials. I wouldn’t identify as bisexual even though I enjoy sex with men and women. For me bisexuality is the attraction, and openness to a relationship with, men, women, people of all genders. I identify as lesbian, or queer, because my relationship goals are somewhat singular. I do enjoy the men, but as Doms or one night stands or fuckbuddies; I prefer the ladies for love and relationships. For more information, see anything I’ve ever contributed to a book – there’s a theme!

The sunshine was out in full force as we found the Quaker Centre in Kingston. Its a beautiful building, light and airy and there were spaces to sit out and enjoy one of the first warm days of this year. We attended the Coming Out workshop, facilitated by Hannah Bee, which was an excellent way to bring people with all levels of coming out confidence together to share happy and sad stories of coming out, best practices to come out and methods of self care when coming out. Hannah shared some great silent gestures which we could use when agreeing with others or wanted to make a point which followed on from the one just made. There was a wonderful atmosphere in the room and I think almost everyone felt empowered to contribute something to the discussion. 

Afterwards we attended the Non-Monogamy workshop, which had a huge audience. We were excited to see this one as my friend and I both identify as non-monogamous in different ways. For me the session wasn’t very helpful, so I decided to leave halfway through and sit in the quiet room. My friend stayed on and we met up afterwards to browse the stalls. 

We met Libby Baxter-Williams, who runs Biscuit, an online magazine for bisexual women. She was selling some gorgeous stickers and greetings cards so we stocked up on those. Then we looked at Jennifer Moore’s stall which was covered in beautiful button badges of all colours and messages. Some sassy like: ‘I’m bisexual, you’re the one that’s confused!’ and some very to the point such as: ‘Queer As Fuck’. There was lots of kinky identity badges too which was awesome. I bought a ‘Queer Girl’ badge in a teal colour. I met Jennifer later and we chatted about her badges. You can buy them online via her website and I heartily advise you to check them out because they are wonderful. 

There were also copies of Purple Prose on sale! I showed my friend the paragraph I had contributed to the book. She’s going to download it on her Kindle and devour it on her commute.

The rest of the afternoon was spent with Libby at the activism workshop for working class people. This was Libby’s first workshop as a facilitator and she shared that she was nervous. Also due to laptop difficulties she didn’t have the notes she had prepared on the session so she wasn’t happy with how things turned out. But I found it really enlightening to understand how class in the UK is structured and how this can affect engagement with events like these. We also discussed how to overcome some of these issues and I had not considered some of this before. I found it a really worthwhile session to attend. 

We skipped the singalong (I’ve lost my voice) and got gelato in the evening sun. Then we returned for the No Stupid Questions panel which addressed questions that had been anonymously submitted all day. Lots of great discussion about the changing nature of language, how to share resources and more thoughts about activism. Marcus shared the “activism ladder” which consists of:

You Should

We Could

I Can

I Will

I’ve written it upside down so you can read how its climbed. I loved thinking of it in this way, considering which rung I might be hanging out on most of the time and how to keep climbing. 

Night had fallen so we got a train back to London proper. My friend was really glad she went, as it was heartening to see so many bisexuals gathered together in the same space in all their diversity. I’m really glad I went to as the sessions gave me some great ideas to consider personally and some exciting topics for future pieces. 

The next BiCon is being held on Thursday 10th – Sunday 13th of August 2017 at Leeds Beckett University, Headingley, Leeds. 

You can find more details online here, or follow BiCon on twitter

Twenty-Third Post: Happy 250th Issue, Diva Magazine!

Diva celebrate 23 years in circulation this month, with their 250th issue featuring stories of how lesbian/bi visibility, culture and politics have evolved in that time. This moment in the magazine’s history inspires their readers and contributors to reflect on their own history. At least it did for me.

Heather Peace, regular columnist for the magazine, shared her coming out experiences which coincided with the release of Diva in 1994. She describes how the magazine helped her understand her to identify as gay, go to events, meet other people and how it made her feel more at home in her sexuality. Her article felt like she was part of something exciting, something new. When I began reading Diva Magazine it was long established, but the thrill of something new, being part of something beyond your surroundings, resonated with me. 

I started reading Diva Magazine when I moved to London at the age of 22. I had just met the woman of my dreams, had my first kiss and lost my lezzy L plates all in one night. It was a step I had been waiting to take for years. In the months after that night, I sought out (what I considered) the trappings of being a lesbian. I enjoyed looking a certain way, going to gay bars and lesbian book clubs. Reading more lesbian oriented material was one of those things, Diva at the forefront. 

I bought Diva for those moments when I wanted to take care of myself, to engage with lesbian and bisexual culture and feel connected to something. Every long train journey back to see my parents, every evening plan of a bubble bath and a glass of wine (read: glass of whiskey) I picked up a copy of Diva to soothe me. I loved the articles, the photoshoots and the diversity of bodies and looks. I saw myself there, I saw women I would want to date there. It didn’t alienate me like the copies of ‘straight women’ magazines I had read in my teen years, idly flipping through glossy pages of clothes I would look awful in, diets I would never attempt and sex tips I despaired at.

It became a regular purchase every month. A girlfriend once gave me a years subscription to Diva for my birthday and I have piles of back issues in my wardrobe that I can’t bear to throw out. These magazines are part of my literary archive, my coming out narrative, my connection outside of myself. 

Five years on, I don’t buy Diva every month and my subscription, like the relationship with the girl who gifted it to me, are long over. But it is something I like to pick up when I want to engage in selfcare or a treat to read. Before every long journey, when I’m clutching a coffee and browsing the shelves of the newsagents for something to flick through on the train, I’m looking for those distinctive block capitals first. 

Happy 250th issue Diva Magazine x

Twenty-Second Post: Guest Blog for Kayla Lords

I’ve written a guest blog for Kayla Lord’s website about squirting. 

Kayla and I met at Eroticon and we ate lunch together which for me was a moment of secondary-school-sit-with-us-at-lunch-type acceptance. Except we talked about squirting. I was inspired to write this blog for her, which describes an experience I had some years ago. 

A huge thank you to Kayla for publishing this blog. You can follow her on Twitter or check out the rest of her website for some really hot reading. 

Read my post here.

Twenty-First Post: Vice Magazine

My first article for Vice Magazine was published today. I am thrilled to write for Vice and to take some of the amazing advice I received at Eroticon and apply it to making this happen. 

This article was a response to the fascinating session I attended with Myles Jackman at Eroticon. I’ve now become even more obsessed with the Obscene Publications Act than I was before. All the fun stuff is listed on that legal document so what does that mean for sexual expression? And now it also affects text messages? How are we not talking about this more?

To find out more check out my article, Your Sexts Could Be Criminal, here.

The Man In The Suit Who Came For Tea

This is a blog dedication to @blacknightseve, who became my 200th follower on Sunday. His commission was “The Man in the Suit Who Came To Tea”, which inspired me to write up this memory from a few years ago: 
  
Sir came over after late on Friday night. He had been out at the pub and I had spent the evening cleaning my flat. I tidied up the kitchen and arranged my room according to the instructions Sir had sent to me. As well as the lists of subtle instruments of pain he would like to have at hand, he instructed that when he arrives at my flat, he would like a cup of tea.

A few minutes before midnight I am waiting in the kitchen. Everything is ready. The tiled floor is pleasantly chill under my bare feet. I have set out a cup, teabag, milk and spoon for him. The kettle is filled, but unboiled. The bedroom beyond is prepared and he will take me there when he deems it time.

The doorbell shocks me. I hurry to let him in and then he is suddenly in my kitchen. He allows me to step to him and undo the buttons of his dark coat. I feel the metal against my fingers and slip it through the buttonhole over and over, not daring to look up at him. Under his coat he is precisely dressed; shirt, trousers and waistcoat neatly fitted to his body.

I stand at the kitchen side and wait for the kettle to boil. He isn’t paying me any attention and I can feel his apathy waiting for me on the sofa.

I bring his cup of tea to him and sit by his feet. I hear the teaspoon gently clink against the porcelain as he stirs the drink a little. Two taps as he removes the spoon and I am told to stand in front of him.

“Lift your dress,” he tells me.

I gather my skirts and raise the material above my knees.

“Higher.”

My thighs are now visible to him but he is still unsatisfied.

“Higher.”

I lift the material all the way up. I am exposing my knickers – white ones as requested.

“Bend over.”

I curve at the waist and feel the shame play with the blood in my cheeks.

The clinking starts again, two taps.

A silence where I don’t understand what is happening and then I feel it.

Heat and shock kisses my skin. He is pressing the heated teaspoon into my thigh. I gasp a little and try not to flinch. I meet the pain and feel it shoot adrenaline through my body.

The spoon clatters to the tile floor. He sips his tea and I wait, trembling, for his next instructions.

A big thank you to @blacknightseve for his suggestion, and for helping me recall this episode from my days as a submissive. It has been a pleasure to write and I hope you find it a pleasure to read.
Jenn x

Ten Things I Took Home From Eroticon

Back on the train this afternoon, my suitcase is full of beautiful things that I have won or bought or been gifted this weekend. My notebook is full of scribbles and ideas and a huge to-do list. My brain is completely full of possible blog posts and hopes for pitches. I am bringing so much home with me from this incredible weekend. 

Here are ten things I wanted to discuss in more detail. I have really challenged myself to be specific – the first draft of this post read more like an absolutely filthy Christmas carol:

“Four dildos buzzing,
Three books for research,
Two sexy t-shirts,
And a silk bag with samples of luuuuuube!”

But no, that song is for another time. I have narrowed down the items which have made this weekend special for me. I have so many examples I could have picked, and written this post several times over, each just as exciting and meaningful but this is the list that comes to me while I’m on my train and unable to lay out and admire all the beautiful things in my suitcase to remind me of what I’ve gained.

Ten – A Black Knotted Collar from Kink Craft

Part of a Saturday afternoon session, I spent an hour with Andrew and Pixie learning how to make a gorgeous collar. Andrew and Pixie were really patient and explained the process of making the collar in clear steps. After a full-on morning taking in loads of information I needed to unwind a little. The session was soothing and just what I needed. I was very proud of the finished product and it looks very nice around my neck if I do say so myself.

Nine – A Conversation About Squirting

Sunday lunch was spent in the company of Kayla, Leonora and Coffee and Kink – my newly-found sisters in sass. We had a great discussion about sex, knowing your body and female ejaculation. It was one of the many conversations I has this weekend which made me appreciate how important it is to actually meet people who work in this industry and share your sex-positivity. 

Eight – A Copy of The Eroticon Anthology

I met Victoria Blisse who was an absolute heroine and attended the book stall all weekend. I wandered over clutching a cup of green tea and asked to set it down on her beautiful bookstall so I could pick up all the books I wanted to own. I scored a copy of How To Have Sex by Meg-John Barker and Justin Hancock and a printed copy of The Eroticon Anthology. I contributed a little personal essay to the book and it is such a thrill to see my name in print. 

Seven – The Gift of Multitasking

I treated myself to a Ruby Glow – a sex toy for the seated lady. Tabitha Rayne, who created the Ruby Glow is an erotica writer and explained how she would be torn between keeping writing and taking a break for a lovely wank. Frustrated by the lack of toys which could help her to both at the same time she decided to create her own! The Ruby Glow is designed for sitting on and riding, so means your hands can be free to keep writing. I love this idea so much and can’t wait to sit on my new purchase. 

Six – The Possibility Of Writing For Others

I attended some really helpful sessions on pitching and have made many lists of possible editors and companies who might be open to my writing something for them. All that I need to do is believe in myself, make the strongest pitch possible and hope for the best. And keep writing of course. 

Five – An Inspirational Mug

Girl on the Net‘s mug which tells me “No one does what you do quite like you” was a lovely gift in our Eroticon goody bags. It shall sit on my desk as a tiny porcelain cheerleader for my individuality, talent and the possibility that I can write about the things I want to write about because nobody else can do it like I can. Cue the theme from the James Bond movie Nobody Does It Better…

Four – Practical Tips

Innocent Lover Boy delivered a fantastic session on How To Maintain A Healthy Blog on Sunday which discussed possible obstacles to writing. We identified the things that could be excuses and we shared how best to overcome them. It was great to speak with other people and hear similarities in their experiences, but also the great diversity of solutions that we can draw on to get past the blank page. Really helpful to take away some tangible best practices advice to apply to my work. 

Three – A Community To Write With

We’ve created this meme because I wanted to stay connected to the people I have met, to champion their writing and receive support and feedback in return. Meeting the human beings behind the Twitter feed has been very significant and I want to devour so many blogs and books because I have met the people behind them who are trying their best and exploring fascinating subjects and sharing their words with the world. 

Two – A Statement Necklace

Along with the delicious Ruby Glow, I received a free golden bullet vibrator necklace from Tabitha called the Ro-Val by Rocks Off. I’m the sort of girl who plans her outfits in advance and my Saturday outfit really could have done with a statement necklace, something chunky on a long chain or cord. Alas there wasn’t anything suitable for such a prestigious and sexy event. But now, I have the perfect statement necklace for future ensembles! 

One – A Fire Lit Under My Arse

In my meet and greet blog post I wrote that one of the things I wanted to get out of Eroticon 2017 was “a fire lit under my arse”. Molly kindly picked up on this in one of her pre-Eroticon tweets. I wanted to be inspired and feel energised about writing, to gain lots of ideas for new pieces and to understand more about the sex writing industry. 

I am so happy to say that the fire is lit and it is burning bright. I’m on such a high after this weekend and I want to write all the things, all at once. So now I’m taking steps to write down every idea, every impulse and keep the embers glowing as much as I can. Sometimes there is kindling which comes from others. I hope to give them something in return – maybe a call to action to write up their ten favourite things from Eroticon? 

This weekend has been one of the most valuable experiences for my writing and I can’t wait to purchase my ticket for next year. A huge thank you to all the speakers, the amazing delegates and to Molly’s Daily Kiss, DomSigns and Girl On The Net for their fantastic organisation.

Happy Eroticon everybody!